I remember when I was the girl that was afraid of embracing who she was. Especially during college. I had friendships with people who made me feel that what I had to offer externally was far more important then who God created me to be on the inside. Everyday I would dress up to show up but on the inside I was messed up. I had no concept of who I was because I had no concept of my value. When God created us, he placed value inside of us. What he thought we were worth was priceless, so priceless that he gave his only son to die on the cross for our sins. How many of us can honestly say that we would give our last and only because we had hope that someone could be greater than what they currently are?
When Christ found me, I was a complete mess. Such a mess in fact that pleasing people meant more to me then pleasing God, finding someone to love me the way that I loved them became my mission, I was a vain liar, I was completely depressed, and I had no identity. I knew God but I chose to neglect his voice. I knew God had given me purpose but I was afraid to accept the call because people wouldn’t like someone like me. I was tired of being called a “goodie two-shoes” or being told by guys how great of a women I was but they just couldn’t be with someone who is a virgin. I even had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be friends with me because I was a virgin. I never realized how selfish I was. Here was a loving savior who had given up everything for me and I wouldn’t even deny myself to acknowledge that he was calling me. I was in broken relationship after broken relationship, looking for someone to love me the way Christ was already loving me.
So I ended up in a verbally abusive relationship with a man who demeaned who God created me to be by saying things like “she’s weak” and “I can have any other girl out here” and “Any other woman would love to have sex with me”. But I continued to stay, and even though I remained a virgin, I took so many other losses that pulled me further and further away from God. I would be in churches where the presence of God was falling on everyone else around me and I couldn’t feel anything. I would try to pray and it felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling only to shatter on the ground. After 2 years of my mind, body, and spirit being completely drained…I heard God say “Timea, it’s either going to be me or him”. It’s the first time I had heard him speak to me in almost 2 years…so without second thought, I left my relationship. After that moment, the devil would not let me forget the mistakes that I made. He would try to make me remember that I was a dirty mess. Questions would flood my mind like “how could God love someone like me”, “how could I have been so blind that I begin to make relationships my God”, “Why would God want to use me after I deliberately turned my back on him?” I was condemning myself for things God had already forgiven me for.
Being a virgin doesn’t mean that you will not get tried. I honored God and I wanted to keep my commitment to submit myself to him heart, body, and soul. If I was still a virgin, why did I still feel so bad? I still left out of the storm with some of my integrity intact right?–wrong. The devil still tried to destroy my mind because I had been tied to someone so long who was not connected to God and so I had to work double time to rid myself of all of the habits, thoughts, and ways that I received from that person, which polluted my relationship with God. When God tells you to leave a place you don’t belong, you shouldn’t walk…you should run! But even in your obedience don’t think that the enemy won’t try to keep the chains of your past attached to you. Condemnation are chains!! When God for gives us, he casts our sins as far as the east is from the west, never to remember them again.
Your past does not belong to you anymore. God has given us a hope and a future in him. That future can not live in what was when we have been called to what will be. I had been praying that God would help me get through the pain and guilt of my past. I will never forget…I was at a service and the evangelist prayed for me and said “God said when my foot almost slipped, you almost slipped but God kept you from falling, he said stop condemning yourself, I have let it go and you need to let it go, I have forgiven you”. You are not what you’ve been…you are a flawed beautiful being. A being that God knew would make mistakes, disobey, and be wreckless with the gifts he gave. But sometimes he allows us to become a complete mess so that our mess can bring us back to our maker.
Here is the scripture that encouraged me through this time: “I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him. I will be as the dew unto Israel: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Lebanon. His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon. They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon”. (Hosea 14:4-7 KJV)